Hilarious Names of Pentecostal Churches

Once we depart from the principles and practices of the Early Church as found in the Scriptures, there will be no limit to the errors and madness we shall venture into; and what seems as first to be so minor a point will become an enormous mountain we would find it difficult to uproot.

The apostles and ministers of the early Church had a simple way of naming churches based on its geographical locations, and all the churches we read of in the Scriptures followed that rule.

We have the church of Galatians (Gal 1:1-2), the church of Ephesus (Rev 2:1); the church of the Laodiceans (Rev 3:14), church of the Thessalonians (2 Thess 1:1) and so on; but we never read any such thing as “El-shaddai Shall Not Die Ministry,” or “Run For Your Life Ministry;” etc. Do you think I making those names up by myself to give you an interesting post? No, there are actually Charismatic and Pentecostal churches bearing such hilarious names like “El-shaddai Shall Not Die Ministry.”

You can see some pictures below; these are photos taken of the sign posts of some well known “prophetic” churches and ministries in Nigeria. I will show you the pictures and comment briefly on each of them.

This posts will also explain why we have chosen to go by the simple name of “UMUAKA CHURCH” for our local congregation here in Umuaka, Njaba LGA, Imo State, Nigeria. When we write “UMUAKA CHURCH” on the church sign post, we put a very short description like “Particular Baptists” so visitors and inquirers can easily know what we stand for. Now let us check out the names of these churches and have some spiritual entertainment:

The Devil’s Hunter Ministries

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Whatever may be the meaning this blindseer has in his mind and brain to have named his local church “The Devil’s Hunter Ministries”, one thing is certain, they are on the business of hunting out devils and evil spirits. Gone are the days when men preached to bring sinners into the consciousness of the wrath of God due to their sins, and of the way of salvation secured through the atoning death of Christ. No, gone are those days indeed! Such preaching and sermonizing may fit into the Puritanical era, but no longer in our time. Our 21st Century generation has realised that it is not sin, but Satan and evil spirits that keeps men from God’s blessing; and so the race to hunt out these evil spirits has began. Let us replace the old-fashioned doctrinal preaching with “Devil-hunting”, and the old-fashioned “accapella” singing with drums and Gospel Jazz.

If you are not moved with tears in your eyes to lament with me how swiftly our generation has turned from the old way, then you have not had a work of Grace wrought upon your heart. It is that simple.

Oh God, Na Like This We Go Dey?

bamquenters

This is a Nigerian pidgin English meaning “Oh God, are we to remain in this condition?” I don’t have much to say; but let everyone reasonable person ask himself if a sinful creature who deserves nothing from God ought to ask God such silly and stupid question.

Elshaddai Shall Not Die Ministries

el-shaddai

Don’t think this pastor was such an illiterate to have not known what he wrote on the banner there? For the fact he knows the hebrew word “Elshaddai” and how to spell it simply tell us that he was knew consciously what he wrote down as the name of his church.

Jesus Owed Ministry

jesus-owed-ministry

I don’t think we need to waste time commenting on this one. If Jesus owed, then he is a debtor, and if a debtor, it must be either the Devil or to Man; and if a debtor in any sense, how could he have paid the full ransom for our redemption so as to have confidently proclaimed “It is finished.” The Jesus of the Bible I know, but this Jesus that owed, who is he? I don’t know him, and will never know him.

Laboratory Church of God

laboratory-church-of-god

The days of their activities are clearly shown on the sign post there. Pick one of the days and pay them a visit, if you need to be diagnosed of any incurable disease which they alone have the power to cure. The apostles never knew any such name of a church throughout their 40 years of reformation in the whole of the land of the Jews and Gentiles.

Anointing To Travel To America

anointing-to-travel

Have you been turned down in your efforts to procure an American Visa? This man of God is this handbill has put up a 4-Day Power Packed Crusade and the theme is “Anointing to travel”. On the top right corner of the handbill you can read it boldly written in large letters, “I SMELL AMERICA”.

What more? You long awaited dreams to travel to America is around the corner. If you can find a one of such programs and attend it, with a fat envelop in your hand as your “seed of faith”, the man of God will speak a prophetic word that will hypnotise all the interviewers at the American Embassy and bring them under a strong influence to favour and give you visa. I should have said no more, had not the Apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ warned of these kinds of false preachers in Romans 16:18 – “For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple. Good words and fair speeches are the most effective means by which false teachers deceive the hearts of the simple. Reader, what you call Christianity now is not the bible Christianity, but the religion of belly-worshippers and liars who are ashamed to be kind idol worshippers but would gladly go under the name of Christ and the Bible. I don’t have the anointing to make you travel to America, but I sure have the truth of God on my side to warn and tell you that “If for these earthly things only you have come to Christ, you are of all men most miserable!” (1 Cor 15:19)

Pure Kukere Gospel Hits

azonto-jesus

Come and dance Azonto for Jesus? Azonto is a new slang among Nigerians hip pop stars by which they mean a woman’s sexuality. The Rap song “Azonto” has a repeated chorus that goes like this:

Let me see your Azonto, Azonto, Azonto

Let me see your Azonto, Azonto, Azonto

Common Ladies, let me see your Azonto …

A pastor, a spirit-filled, highly anointed, and powerful, man of God held a crusade just few days in our open market square, and announced publicly that on the second day of the Crusade, the anointing of God would fall upon all those who would come to the crusade ground and dance Azonto for Jesus. Then he added, “You have been dancing it for Satan when you were in the world, but now that you are saved, you should come and dance it for Jesus tomorrow.”

Enough has been said. Those who still want to dance Azonto for Jesus can go on. For our part, we have come to know that “that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.” Luke 16:15.

Mountain of Swallowing Problems Interdenominational Prayer Ministry.

mountain-of-swallowing-problems

We already have Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries by the renowned D. K. Olukoya; but D. K. Olukoya’s Mountain of Fire can not swallow your problem; it can only burn it with fire. But with Mountain of Swallowing Problems, all your problems are sure to be completely swallowed. And to deceive the simple and ignorant, at the bottom of the sign post you can see it boldly written, “Jesus is Lord.”

NTA Jesus Channel

nta-jesus-channel

NTA is the Nigerian Television Authority. It used to be the most reliable television channel for news and entertainment until Nigeria gave room for DSTV and others. What was on this pastor minds when he named his church NTA Jesus Channels.

Occupy Till I Come Deliverance Ministry

occupy-till-i-come-2

This does not remind me of the Parable told by Jesus, but of the tenant who could not afford his house rent, and so incurred the displeasure of his landlord. The landlord gave him a reasonable number of months according to the law to park out of his house, but seeing he was so wretched and could not afford another house else where, he decided to visit a popular prophetic ministry where the Pentecostal preacher told his audience that they should occupy their blessing and prosperity until Jesus comes again. The tenant went home and saw the landlord in his house waiting to throw him out of the house. The landlord said to him, “I have given you enough time to pack out of my house but you have refused. Now, I will forcefully throw you out.”

The tenant replied, “I reject that in the name of Jesus. You cannot throw me out of this house, because written clearly in Luke 19:13, that I should occupy till I come. Therefore, I occupy this house in the name of Jesus, and I shall occupy it he comes.”

The landlord also blasted in response, “I overcome you illegal occupants – I overcome you by the blood of the lamb and by my testimony, because it is written, in Obadiah 1:17 that the house of Jacob shall possess their possessions. This house is my possession and I possess it in the mighty name of Jesus.”

You want to know the end of the story? Well the illegal occupant was shamefully thrown out because Jesus did not ask him to occupy another man’s house till he comes!

This perversion of Luke 19:13, I believe, is the foundation and reason on which any church should go by the name, “Occupy Till I Come Deliverance Ministry.”

One flesh Ministry?

one-flesh-ministries

You can see the sign post clearly. The name of the church is “One Flesh Ministry.” they are having a marriage conference and the title for the conference is “Marriage is Possibly Conference”. You should see the theme or the topic that will be discussed in the conference. The theme is “My Spouse Has Gone Mad Again!” If you have a stubborn and rebellious spouse who wouldn’t yield to you, take him or her to such conference and the anointing that breaks the yoke will break the stubbornness and make both of you to become one flesh again.

Prison Break (Season I)?

prison-break

Yes, the handbill tells it all. You should understand it more if you have watched the action movie/film called “Prison Break”.

Run For Your Life International Chapel?

run-for-your-life

Yes, every reasonable person who sees the name of this church should know at once what the holy Spirit is telling to the saints of God – “Run away from this kind of churches, if you live your life!”

Sadly, not many people understand that God is telling them to run away from such churches. The simple and ignorant (yes, that is what the Scripture calls them) walk in and are ensnared into various lies and heresies which drown men’s souls into perdition.

God Put T. B. Joshua To Open Shame?

tbjoshua-dtrump

There are thousands who would burn you alive if you dared to speak against the “highly anointed man of God”; but that was only fews years ago when his covenant with Satan still favoured him and his charms excelled. The God of heaven suddenly created a new thing when he made Donald Trump to triumph over Hillary Clinton.

T. B. Joshua had prophesied 4 days before the election that he saw a woman emerging as the winner of the presidential election in American. To be candid, these were the exact words of the renowned seer: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQGRQY6ke_M)

The goodnews? God crushed him and his powers of divination, gave Donald Trump the victory and opened the eyes of many people to see that T. B. Joshua was but a wolf in sheep clothing. Praise God!

Will A Man Rob God?

will-a-man-rob-god

The New Testament is trumps the Old, even in the principle of giving. Giving of tithes and offerings are commended, but it must not be done grudgingly; nor should ministers go about monitoring and threatening those who do not give. After all, bishops are warned not to be given to filthy lucre. A pastor must teach and exhort men to give, but he gives every evidence of been a wolf as soon as he begins to monitor who is giving and who is not giving. If your church is one of those who tell men to write down their tithes before they drop it into the offering box, walk away from such false church. They don’t deserve you money at all. Better not to give than give to the wrong ministry where your money only serves to strengthen wolves and false prophets who scatter the sheep of God.

Who Are You To Jesus Ministries?

who-are-you

No need of comments. It is not funny. It is not posted here for sheer fun. It only moves me to jealousy for the God of heaven how these men have turned his church and religion into a thing of fun. Above all, it brings tears to my eyes as it reminds me of how God saved me in his mercy and grace – a wretch, nay, a wolf like me.

I was one of these brute beasts who were counted by by others as “highly gifted and anointed”. The name of my Church was “Jesus Bosom Ministry”, and I had another branch in Isu Local Government Area named “Freedom Ministries”. I was the founder of these two ministries and we had other branches in Amakor, Amiyi, and in Isi-Ozo communities. But it pleased God to save me from damnation, and he had mercy upon my soul. Now I am a Simple, Old-fashioned Baptist preacher in Umuaka, and the name of the church, like the name of churches as found in the Scripture, is

UMUAKA CHURCH.

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Keep the name of your church simple, if you are a Reformed, or a Particular, or a Primitive, Baptist Pastor. Such names as Anointed Baptist Church, Reformed Baptist Church, Salvation Baptist Church, Bible Baptist Church, Regeneration Baptist Church etc, may sound good to tell people we still stand in the principles of the Reformation began Luther and Calvin. But I sincerely believe, that if the question of how to name churches had arisen in the days of the Reformers and Puritan, they would have immediately had recourse to the Scriptural method of naming churches. They were men who did not, who dared not, resist the light of their consciences, and if they were among us today, and saw these Charismatic churches and their names, they would have spoken out loud against them.

May God bless both reader and writer, and humble their hearts so “that they receive the word with all readiness of mind, and search the scriptures daily, whether those things were so” – Acts 17:11.

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